I think We're Lost Again
by thegr8sephiroth
Summary: There are some places that Millennium doesn't belong. Thanks to a certain catboy, they're visiting all of them.


I think that we're lost again.

FN: Nothing in here is mine, and there's a lot in here.

**OWAN**: **this is a oneshot(God willing) look into what happens when you stay up 'till three a.m. and start watching Excel Saga whilst reading Hellsing. I think it shows.**

There were so many people that Doc could blame for this having gone so horribly wrong. There was the Major, and there was Schrodinger (who were his two standard scapegoats) but that wasn't all. There was also Captain Hans (not that you told him he was guilty to his face unless you were the Major) because he hadn't been able to catch one catboy as they raced through the streets of some city. There was also the guy with the weird afro, but that didn't matter.

Doc had traced it all back to one person who was at fault for this! One supposedly insignificant immigrant worker named Pedro who was visiting his family in Brazil after working in Japan. Doc cursed this man and hoped that the worst of fates would befall him.

May he die in a foreign land and do so in flames. May he become a wandering spirit never to find peace for all eternity. May he discover that his child was fathered by someone else, may his wife already be pregnant with that man's second child! Such were the misfortunes that Doc heaped upon the head of Pedro.

It was because Schrodinger had met him while taking one of his unscheduled romps "outside the box" that this whole fiasco happened in the first place. Like the time that some guy had seen that irritating child and thought he was being attacked by a swimming rabbit. Now this "Pedro" happened to tell Schrodinger about an anime convention in the Japanese city where he worked.

Anime, may the men who write and publish anime be hunted down and slain with dull blades, how Doc HATED anime. Mostly because the Major was obsessed with it. It was known all around the base, some fighting men developed unhealthy addictions to pornography, the Major had to chose anime. His worse fetish was the catgirls, he would go on and on and on (and on and on) about how wonderful they were.

Schrodinger, thankfully, would never know that if Doc hadn't been merciful and amputated a limb off "his" second "X" chromosome while making him in a test tube that "he" would be having a much closer relation with the Major as Max's personal catgirl instead of effeminate catboy.

It had been an act of scientific integrity, Doc would not let his image be soiled in history by being known for creating catgirls. The Frankenstein family already had enough black marks given to it's name thanks to Mel Brooks, it didn't need ANOTHER ONE by being known for creating catgirls. Mel Brooks, Doc didn't even want to get started on that one.

At least the Frankenstein's had been a respectably infamous family before that cursed Mel Brooks made his cursed film. Now his name didn't even strike fear into the hearts of people, it just made them laugh at him. Doc had to keep this hatred secret because copies of "Dracula Dead and Loving It" with German subtitles were very popular inside the Panther's Den.

But Doc's hatred of Mr. Brooks aside, the other annoying result of his work was that Schrodinger still became the Major's favorite, (Unfair! Why did nobody love Doc?) so he listened with rapt attention to him explaining the great anime convention. At the same time the group had been planning to take a trip somewhere to break the monotony of planning to conquer the world.

The first choice had of course been a pilgrimage to the fatherland. This idea had been rejected because they probably would have ended up being treated like witches were by the pilgrims. The choices were rather narrow as the group all spoke only German and English. America was right out, as Doc had recently discovered that the current president of the United States favored running over Neo Nazi's (technically there was nothing Neo about the Millennium organization, but a man with his hand on the clutch wasn't likely to split hairs) with his car (1) and while they could probably survive such, their dignity would be somewhat less than intact.

The second choice was Britain, which Doc supported fully. It would be perfect, no sunlight, (due to the almost eternal rain and thereby cloud cover which bombarded that island) and they could have could posed as tourists while actually taking pictures of where to attack. It was a brilliant, reasonable idea with no flaws, so of course the Major turned it down.

Instead we were going to Japan to see the anime convention, all of them, Doc included. Personally Doc would have preferred to making redundant back up samples of his DNA by masturbating into test tubes than go to an anime convention (the fact that Doc would prefer this to a lot of things he's done has no real bearing on reality) but go he went. The Major had given him the choice of walking out of his lab or of having Hans (with his huge hands, though you didn't refer to the Captain as "Hans Huge Hands" unless you were the Major) haul him out, probably gripping a chunk of the wall in vain.

The only good thing was that the anime convention was at night. Once they got there and Doc was looking over the other people attend he realized that some of them apparently got even less exposure to sunlight than he did. Another amazing plus was that security was more lax than Russia's in 1941. They waved them all right through not questioning First Lieutenant Rip's rifle nor Joleen's scythe. This was a good thing because Joleen was possessive about her scythe and any attempt to remove it from her would result in removed limbs.

Once they were inside Doc realized that there were weirder things in the world then people with 12 fingers. First Lieutenant Rip left to go check out Cowboy Bebop, an anime which apparently had a female lead who had also spent much of her life in suspended animation. Joleen meanwhile went to go check out Berserk, an anime which Doc had noted was known for supplying enough blood for the entire battalion inside a few frames.

That left Doc, Schrodinger and Captain to follow the Major around like idiots. The Major was apparently going to see some guy with an unpronounceable name, and as they got near the area everything went straight to hell for Doc. It was while they were in line that some weird guy with an afro broke in through a sky light, and that alone should have been a sign that it would only get worse.

The manga author who Major was standing in line to meet suddenly let out a startled cry. "NABESHIN DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?" The weird guy with the afro who entered through the skylight suddenly reached into his afro (as noted earlier there were weirder things in this world then six fingered hands) and pulled out a grappling hook. Tossing it up and latching onto the ceiling he turned to face the man who had spoke to him. "No Mr. Rikdo I expect you to give me your permission to make a third series of Excel Saga!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Doc doubted that he would ever again hear such heart wrenching agony (and he had wrenched people's hearts right out of there bodies while they still beat). "You can't have my newest volumes Nabeshin! Never again!" At this point the two started fighting like cats in a sack, cats in a wet sack. While the two were so deeply engrossed in this fighting, a third guy in a white suit sneaked up and grabbed a box with enough anime in it to last the Major through the longest day (2) of his life (unlife, whatever) and began to gloat.

"AHA! Now, I will finally become Lord That Man by using these comics to produce my own third series of Excel Saga, and there is not a thing you fools can do to stop me!" The two stopped fighting and Nabeshin (Doc was not having hallucinations, or at least thought he wasn't) pulled two very dangerous (and very real) looking assault rifles from his afro. The Major was the first one to hit the ground and did so squealing like a pig, with Doc and Schrodinger not far behind.

Captain Hans did not hit the ground, Hans stood still, if any bullets hit him they probably bounced off him like pebbles, he was just that super a superman. It was while they were on the ground that Schrodinger saw the dog. It was one of the smallest dogs that Doc had ever seen, and he hoped it ended up being eaten by somebody.

Schrodinger saw that dog and realized that, for one of the few times in his life, he had found a dog that was not only many times smaller than him, but totally defenseless! He chased it. A cat was chasing a dog, this should have been a clear sign to someone as smart as Doc not to follow. But Doc's mind was taking a (probably anime induced) leave of absence.

So Schrodinger chased the dog, Doc chased Schrodinger, and Hans chased both of them. Schrodinger could move fast when he wanted to but the dog apparently could move faster still. Thankfully being dead none them ran out of breath during the chase that seemed to lead them out of the anime conventional hall and all across the city.

Just when they had finally managed to catch it (and Schrodinger realizing that he didn't know what to do with the dog now that he had it, let it go) the sun started to rise in the sky. There was only one place for the three of them to go to avoid the sunlight, into the sewer.

That's where they met the blond girl with green eyes who talked in third person far too frequently. Which was how the three of them ended up where they were now.

"HEIL MIEN FUHRER ILPALAZO!" It was a long way to Brazil.

1 John Belushi, who attempted to run over Nazi's in Blues Brothers also played the part of "Bluto" in Animal House. The double secret probation edition DVD of Animal house has a "what are they doing now" feature, and apparently Bluto has been elected president of the US. He is probably doing a much better job of it then our "real" president in that wonderful tangent of reality.

2 "The Longest Day" is a WW2 movie on the Normandy Invasion.


End file.
